Twentysomething.

I feel like poop. I have some kind of sore throat, bad back, overly tired, generally feeling like rubbish type thing. I have a massive ulcer in my mouth and considering I’m supposed to be going into hospital in a few days, this does not bode well that I am run down before I even get there. My boyfriend has been here for about a week to celebrate my birthday and just generally be here and be awesome like he normally does, but he’s gone to see his supposed best friend, so I am sat feeling very miserable, in bed. I have thankyou letters to write. I do not wish to write them. I have just submitted a uni assignment that I’m a little dubious about. I wanted him to stick around all day and look at my old baby photos and laugh with me. I’m easily pleased, folks. I’m perfectly happy to waste my time with him and do absolutely nothing. But the person I am when he’s here and the person I am when he’s not are two completely different people. Single me likes to get up early, and get stuff done. Girlfriend me will sleep in till 11 with him and bring him breakfast every morning and wait till he wakes up, so at least he eats something decent that day. Sometimes it feels like I’m compromising who I am, but then I remember I’m unemployed, and the amount of things I actually have to do kind of gets outweighed by the vast amount of time I have in which to do them…

There are things to be excited about, lots of things. My mum just made cookies. I have my first pair of burlesque fans arriving in the post soon. After the trauma of my operation is over, I get to go to a Burlesque tutorial with two fantastic people who I love being around in Bournemouth, and then there’s the show, and the move is very soon after that…but I still find myself doubting and questioning every second I remember the future that I keep trying to put to the back of my mind. It’s real, and I’m trying to distract myself from thinking about it so I don’t freak out too much. If Alex weren’t here I would be a nervous wreck by now. I’m just trying to vent as much of it as I can while he’s not here to get it out of my system. He knows things are bothering me, I’m pretty sure I have a certain look that comes over my face when I’m thinking about them, and he can spot it a mile off. He offered to stay with me today, but I know it would be wrong of me to ask that of him. He’s been here over a week, and he’s seen his friend once. I am done being the selfish teenager. I have to grow out of this. Trouble is, when he’s been spoiling me, looking after me, telling me he loves me constantly and generally being a perfect individual it’s awfully hard to adjust to him not being there to do it all of a sudden. It’s going to be extremely hard to see him leave again, even thinking about it is enough to upset me. I am looking forward to moving, but the closer it gets, the more I wonder if it was a good idea…not because of anything to do with our relationship or anything, but the job rejections are slowly starting to trickle back, and I realise that I’ve made some pretty good friends here the last few months. And you know what they say, out of sight, out of mind…. I don’t want to be forgotten about. It’s going to be incredibly difficult to start again and try to magic friends out of thin air. I can’t even rely on Alex to introduce me to people as most of his friends don’t even live there! The last thing I want to do is rely on him too much because I know what a strain that can be on someone, and a relationship. Lots to think about. So much in fact that they all seem to get stuck and I don’t know what to think about first, so I don’t…I just sit and stare at things…

This is the most productive I’ve been all day though, so I guess that’s something. I’m going to go get a cookie, have a cup of tea, and write these damn letters. If nothing else, I’ve achieved that today.

N x